No need to sparkle, no need to hurry, no need to be anyone but oneself

could this be the year to reverse the urge to sparkle ?

Many, many years ago I stood waiting for traffic lights to change, my nine year old body wearing a brand new bottle green uniform, my toes wriggling in regulation shoes, my brain thinking as little as possible lest is become terrified of the new start that I mustn’t mess up. Traffic lights changed, I crossed, felt a squeeze of my hand, hear a whisper “she wanted to be friends with you”. I glanced at the girl, now a couple of paces ahead, 🚭 card her brown hair, beige anorak, processed my mum’s words, wondered why I didn’t pick up these mysterious social cues, and what I would do with them if I did.

Photo by Anastasiya Badun on Unsplash

This was beginning of my understanding that I somehow had to be a different person, one who could sparkle on demand, who could draw every last vestige of energy in order to perform in the way that society likes to see. It’s a skill that’s seen me through years of working in retail, propelled me to events that I dread, and created a sense of being in two parts – the outside person who people accept, and the real person who hides and regrets. Add in the smokescreen of social media, where we are invited to curate and filter aspect of our existence and it’s hard not to feel intensely disappointed with the quiet reality that I strive to conceal. If I’m honest, it exhausts me. Yet still I pursue it, still I consider that if I just sparkle enough, I will gain the happiness I believe I should crave.

No need to sparkle, no need to hurry, no need to be anyone but oneself

To this end I decided that in 2025 I would be more extrovert as a writer. I would go to the events, join the groups, rush to the open mics. Plans were made, bus times organised, the new year came and every bone in my body loathed writing. My journal lay empty for the longest time in ten years, I skipped over poems posted on social media, and swerved writing groups I was part of. In seeking to sparkle, I’d dulled the sheen on the very thing that brings me safety and solace from the outside world. Reading Virginia Woolf’s words, nestled quietly in the corner of my daily planner brought comfort and understanding that being compelled to shout when I prefer to whisper can only lead to the creation of façade. Not so many people will hear, perhaps, but lean in close and I promise it will be worth it.

To live without being known

The wonders of modern marketing means the word Epicurean brings an instant association with food and that unique scent of fancy delis which in many ways is an ideal backdrop for thoughts around happiness. Steer your mind from delicious cheeses and odd things in pretty jars for a moment. I’ve discovered something else about Epicurius. Amongst his many concepts and theories is one that seems particularly prescient in the age of social media – a content life can be best attained when one seeks to live without being known.

This idea is often misconstrued as seeking to live in isolation. It can be better described as seeking to live without craving the validation of strangers – a direct contrast to our modern cult of celebrity, influencers and the lure of the like. Understanding that the drive to appeal to whims of those who do not know me can only cause anxiety puts the pull and power of social media into sharp relief. Using this media to gather support for that which I cherish is a risk and one that needs to be handled with care. I am not advocating the abandonment of the internet, or the abandonment of open mics, live readings and performance. I am suggesting that perhaps this is not the way for every poet to be. Of course, publication houses need a writer who is marketable and being an engaging, likeable person who can sparkle at will (however much that exhausts them) makes it much easier to sell books, which is a pretty essential part of being a publishing house.

Despite this economic necessity, a swift glance through the works said publishing houses share shows there are those who do not follow this path and are just as loved and cherished. The pull for external validation has diluted both work and pleasure in equal measure and seeking to shoehorn myself into being someone who sparkles means a detrimental diversion of energy. In a world where everything, from what we grow in our gardens, to our favourite pet to what we’ve had for tea is so very public, making the decision to seek to live unnoticed, to live free from the validation of strangers feels like a kind of freedom.

Connection with others is important to our wellbeing, but contrary to the nature of our ever homogenised world this connection looks different for everyone. Platforms like Substack, where one can choose to sparkle or not, where one can have 20 subscribers or 20 million and still publish are helpful, if used with care. The pull of the like is still there, the articles about how to make your fortune still create the feeling that there's something else to be done other than enjoying writing, but if those of us who need to can just hold fast to the essence of building a community of like minded readers, of people who know us, then this platform can offer way to connect without sacrificing authenticity. Now I just need to be brave enough not to sparkle and quell the need to see those little hearts light up.

Until next time

Kathryn

xx