Why do I want to write in public?

What is behind this need to write out loud?

Why do I want to write in public?

This question emerged from an exchange  of notes with

Allegra Chapman

Allegra’s use of this phrase raised a question I’ve never really delved into. Why do I want to write in public?  I have a raft of stock answers of course, but my feelings and awareness of my inner response to this particular publishing platform is making the need to understand the answer to this question even more important.

Writing posts for Substack takes time and energy . It’s something I enjoy, and it gives me my most direct route to an audience, but it doesn’t spark that deep magic I get when I write and work on a poem. So it seems there are two questions here. Why do I want to write in public and is Substack the best platform for me? I’ll tackle the first one today.

So why do I do it? Why do I want to write in public? The only way to find the answer seemed to be to run away to the sea.*

I want to write in public because I want to be heard

Bullying, abuse, and generally feeling unsafe as a child taught me that my voice can be my enemy. If we think about the most low-level bullying, it’s easy to see how it works. Child speaks out in class, receives ridicule from peers, scathing responses from teachers – it’s no wonder that speaking becomes a point of fear. If the child is living with other complications that mean safety is hard to find anywhere, then its easy to see how this sense of the voice as the enemy, a source of danger becomes more entrenched.

When I speak I cannot know the response and experience warns me that speaking leads to danger. Silence is safety.

Writing gives me back my voice. Writing is a way to express all that is within, without it becoming a weapon, without my voice, my inner self, being turned on me. When I write I can imagine that one day someone will read my words and they will understand. When I write I feel my voice is as valuable as anyone else’s.

A small aside

It occurs to me as I’m writing this essay that poetry has given me a voice in another way. My first poetry classes were a source of absolute terror. The dreaded creep of death where we all introduce ourselves, the utter horror of being invited to read my work (read my work!). And yet four years in I attend writing groups with gusto, I read on video, I have even read aloud in public. There’s no doubt that judicious amounts of therapy have helped this along, but the gentle presence of community and care in the groups I have been part of over the years have given me an inner confidence that I cling to.

So yes, I want to write in public because I want to be heard

I want to write in public because I want to connect with people

I wonder if everyone feels like this? That the real point of creativity is to connect with others? Not in an invasive way, everyone getting together all the time and being enmeshed in each other’s minds – I mean in that gentle nod of the head, that slight smile. That feeling of “oh someone else feels like this” or “I’m really worried about this too.”

For me I see my writing as being for the people who feel as scared as I do. Who live with this constant fear that even those they love will one day decide they’ve had enough. The fear of being too much, too little, too fat, too thin, too loud, too quiet. The simple fear of being alive. Those are the people I hope will find a home in my work.

I write about trees, light, birds, rivers, sunshine but the thread through it all is this a longing for safety and I’m guessing that’s not that unusual a feeling. The best feedback I receive for my work is when people say how it reminded them of a particular event in their own life, when they tell me I captured how they feel. That is pure magic.

So yes, I want to write in public because I want to connect

I want to write in public because I have something new to say

This Sunday, as I was traveling round Anglesey searching for a beach where the forest meets the sea, I listened to Cerys Matthews interview with Nikki Giovanni. I found Nikki captivating, both as a poet and as a person. It’s a wonderful interview with masses of joy for anyone who writes and especially poets. As Nikki was talking about her work, she described what she considers to be responsibility of a poet

“Am I saying something that has not been thought of before, something that has not been considered? “

Now, I am only just realising that this is a possibility. That maybe what I consider to be a voice that should be silenced because I’m too sensitive, too “way out”(according to some), too serious, is actually my way of looking at things and my way of considering things afresh. I’m only just beginning to consider the possibility that I could have something new to say, or a new way of looking at something and that new way may be as valuable as anyone else’s.

Believing this is the hardest one. The one that takes courage and takes strength. I have to comfort the scared child who is so afraid of exposure and ridicule and being told not to get above her station (without knowing what that is). I have to soothe the young adult who spent her life on the edge of social groups, unable to fit and unsure why, the adult who tried so hard to be part of the corporate world and make a decent living, but was somehow always off kilter.  

It’s the hardest reason. It’s the one that is the reason for writing and the reason for staying silent. it’s the reason I wanted to write and I realise the biggest lie I tell myself is that I have nothing of value to say.

So yes, I want to write in public because I have something new to say.

I found the place where the forest meets the sea - beautiful Niwbwrch in Anglesey

Why do I want to write in public?

My first response to this question “why do I want to write in public” was “I don’t know”, swiftly followed by “well do I really want to write in public?” and “is it anything more than attention seeking?” Giving time to consider the question, and to formulate an honest response has been beneficial. I’m still not sure where Substack sits for me as a writer (that’s the question for my next article) but I feel confident that my reasons to want to write in public are worth all the angst and disappointment associated with the whole business of getting published, and worth anxiety created by putting my heart out for all to see.

I do need to take more care of how I spend my time, especially now we’re heading into wedding season which means a whole load of gorgeous bespoke poetry to work on. I have three projects brewing, none of which I’ve given time to. So that’s my goal for April I guess – to bring one of these ideas to a working plan and get going on how to make them real. Which shall I pick?

Until next time

*that’s not actually true – we were going anyway to use up left over holiday. Not like a writer to be dramatic eh?

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