Creative Tuesday
on medals and cheerleading
A dear friend has several important interviews this week. They are nervous but have the benefit of a wise mentor who helps them see their worth. Chatting over the weekend, they shared a simple idea with me that really struck home - we all need to remember our medals.
Each achievement, each successful publication, each small victory is another medal to be proud of. It is not a measure of personal value and worth, but a demonstration of how our training and skills practice is going. If we don’t win the medal we want, then we just need to train a certain skill a little more.
Yet so often it feels more personal than that. Last week I received news about my entry to the Mslexia pamphlet competition. The new was that my pamphlet is one of forty longlisted for what is one of the most popular competitions and one of the best prizes a poet could dream of. I dismissed this achievement in the blink of an eye. My overriding desire to prove that I am a big, proper writer, to make my family see my worth, and to show that I’m not a failure means small achievements simply serve to prove that I’m not really very good and should probably stop trying.
I would like to be kinder to myself. While this longlisting is not gold, it’s not silver, and I’m not even sure it’s bronze it is evidence that I’ve written a body of work that got the attention of the judge and had enough about it to be selected for consideration. Here’s an extract from the letter to the longlistees:
“Our judge for this competition is Imtiaz Dharker, winner of the Queen’s Gold Medal for Poetry, judging on behalf of Bloodaxe Books who will be publishing the winning manuscript in September.
The main message she wanted me to convey was how difficult she found it to decide between entries that made it onto the shortlist and those that stayed at the top of the ‘maybe’ pile. So please (please) don’t give up on this particular collection. With just one more round of edits, maybe a change of title, perhaps replacing three or four poems, it could sail straight through onto the shortlist next time around.”
Reading this letter again it doesn’t sound quite so much like a failure. I think I’m just getting fed up with the cycle of hope and disappointment. I am improving but it’s so damn slow and it really is hard to understand why I keep doing this. Deep down I do believe in myself, but I also know it’s unlikely that I’ll ever get “far” what ever that means. Would I have imagined myself at this point five years ago? Probably not. Where do I see myself in another five years? As a better writer I hope, and still as in love with the craft and process.
So I am trying again. There’s a beautiful opportunity with a beautiful press that I admire and respect. I’m so keen to win this one I almost talked myself out of entering. It will be popular. I am old and I am sure there will be many, many people who’s work will be deserving of this chance. I am polishing my bronze medals and hoping that this time will be the moment I break away from the pack and reach the finish line.
May seems to be the month for submissions, and I am polishing up quite a few pieces, which is going to take the rest of the day. They’re pieces I believe in but I really am struggling with confidence – I think I’m working so hard on these poems that I’m almost writing my own voice out of them and I’m not quite sure how to stop it. I’m stuck at a place of conscious incompetence, and I guess I need a tiny success to give me that boost. And I realise that I’ve just written about one earlier in this newsletter!
What do you do to boost your confidence? How you do you get away from this feeling of inadequacy?
My fourth letter from Japan will be published on Friday 7th June, looking at the concept of Ikigai – finding one’s purpose. It’s a beautiful way to look at the world and I’m looking forward to sharing it with you.
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Until next time
Congratulations! That is massive news, well done! My first (well, not really the first first….) novel didn’t find a publisher and while that’s still sad, I’ve realised that the going ‘far’ won’t change my life or validate the writing completely or fill me with confidence in itself. I am working towards the work being the thing, the joy of that, of doing it, of what my life can be that IS in my control. You are so right we need to celebrate the wins - even if we think they’re small - and I think this one is huge, actually!
Congratulations! Being long-listed for a prize is huge. I so relate to this; I’ve dismissed things because they aren’t “it.” Instead of seeing them as steps on the way.