The power of checking in
Being a friend to someone who has depression
I’m guessing being a good friend to a person with depression is hard. I say this because I know that as a person with a variety of depressive traits, all waiting to be formally boxed up and treated, I can be a spectacularly erratic friend. I ricochet between being clingy and over dependent and isolating myself. I love wholeheartedly and it terrifies me. The fear of rejection is overwhelming, and the sense of rejection I feel in any relationship is constant. I am needy, unpredictable and tiring. Yet still people hang in there. I’ve had a particularly difficult year and am awaiting psychiatry appointments to see what will the be the best course of treatment.
Of all the symptoms my difficulty with close relationships is the one that distresses me most. Knowing the root causes and that this response to friendship is typical is of no help whatsoever. It’s as though I operate in two separate spheres – the part that can be robust and logical and understand that people’s actions don’t always mean they don’t like me, and the part that is constantly seeking confirmation of what I believe to be true – I really don’t matter.
The power of checking in
This week I had a surprise message. It’s from someone I’ve got to know a little through a poetry group on Substack and someone who’s work and vision to support others I admire. It was a simple message, just asking how I was but it meant so much and came at just the right moment.
I’d had a rough weekend of feeling hopelessly rejected, angry with myself for being so silly and so scared of the unpredictability of my own emotions. This short message was like a little lantern. it gave me courage to keep my coffee date with a dear friend, and courage to open up to that friend about how desperate I’ve been feeling. A big fear is that people are getting sick of all this (I know I am!) and that they’ll get fed up with me not being right. It’s hard to be vulnerable and opening up to say “I need help” is one of the most risky things I do. It can so easily backfire and leave me feeling even worse. Thankfully this didn’t happen this week and the balm of feeling understood and cared for is a lovely feeling.
Checking in doesn’t have to be complicated - in the world of penguin courtship it’s called pebbling - a daft meme, a quick “how are you”, a simple “I saw this and thought of you means a lot to anyone and for a person living with depression it can be invaluable. I know that I’ll feel scared and utterly bereft again and know that this feeling loved and safe is temporary until I get effective treatment (mind over matter doesn’t work it seems) but for this week I’m grateful to all those who check in and make me feel I matter.
Until next time
Kathryn
xx
I'm so sorry you've been living through a rough patch, and I hope you feel some relief soon. I know solutions aren't easy--either to find or to get. And that's why supportive friends are so important. I love someone who struggles mightily with depression, and what I can tell you is that I love him no matter what state he is in. He is family, not a friend, but I think that probably doesn't make much difference. We love the people we love as they are, and I'm sure your true friends love you no matter how you are. I'm writing this for myself as much as you. I've got some different chronic health challenges that have been impacting my ability to show up in my friendships in similar ways (and make depression a companion, too), and I've been feeling lately that my friends must be getting tired of it. (I'm SO tired of it!) I appreciate your words for helping to remind me that those feelings are probably more part of the conditions I'm navigating than the reality for my friends. I bet that's true for you, too? Sending you all kinds of good wishes--
I always struggle to know when to reach out, when is too much, or an imposition, or even if I would be relieved well. You make me realise all of that is unimportant and I should just do it.